How We Got Here

I've been trying to think of how to write this post. How to share what I am feeling without going so much into detail that my heart is ripped open for everyone to dissect.

I've been asked in quite a few comments how Russ is doing, if he's on the same page, if we are living in the same home, etc and I have been pretty quiet in my response.
However, over the past few days, it has become apparent that some things just need to be said.

If I were to say I was surprised that Russ was cheating, I would be a liar. There were signs everywhere for the past 6 months, signs I noticed and questioned him about and things he denied. It hurts more than words can express to explain what it is to be looked in the eyes by someone you love and know he lied.
I knew something was off shortly after we had officially moved to Pennsylvania. Russ pushed it off on being depressed about being in NJ while we were away from him in Pennsylvania and I believed him. He started to gain a lot of weight, he stopped running, he stopped going to karate.... stopped doing the things he loved. And instead, he started drinking.
The signs were there.
He was distant.
I would cry and ask him to tell me what was wrong and he couldn't tell me.

Things were stressful. For him in New Jersey and for me in Pennsylvania.
I started to resent him being in NJ 5 days a week, getting to live "the single life" (oh, how right I was!) while I was in PA raising our children alone.
I felt trapped.
I love my kids, but I had no life.

Then something changed in him and he decided we should work on making ourselves happy again. We both decided to diet. We both decided to exercise. We wanted to make changes in our lives because we missed feeling "connected".
And, we went away.
For 22 days with our kids.
We traveled across the United States and had the best time.
Life.was.good.

We returned home feeling refreshed and in love.
With our kids.
Each other.
Our life.

Then his world crashed in on him.
He found out that the woman he cheated with was pregnant. Not newly pregnant, but 5 months pregnant.
He didn't know what to do.
He promised her he would help to take care of the baby and then tried to figure out how to tell me.... knowing it would destroy us.

He came up that weekend in June and , oh how I remember it so clearly... I was expecting us to spend some time alone. To have romance. To rekindle our love and instead, he insulted me.
He made me cry.
He was pushing me away.

Things became more and more distant for us as the summer wore on. I knew with everything in my soul that something was truly wrong. Knew it.
I questioned him. He denied it.
All the while he was praying his life would end.
Because he knew it was over anyway.

He couldn't think of how to tell me and she was pressuring him to tell me.
He was afraid.
Our entire married lives, I have always told Russ that I would never forgive him if he cheated and he knew the day he told me was the day his life was over.
Or so he thought.

We went down to Washington DC to attend the Restoring Honor Rally (don't think the irony is lost on me). I went down thinking we were going to experience something fantastic for us as a family. Russ went down praying that standing amongst so many honorable people praying would give him the courage to tell me the truth. (he did not plan to tell me at the rally)

However, that was not meant to be.
After leaving DC Friday night to head back to our hotel room, I received this message on facebook:
Since u wont let Russ talk to me. I will now be telling ur sister missy ur parents an everyone on facebook. Good luck explaining that Ms.Thinks shes perfect

I had NO idea who it was from, but in the pit of my stomach, I knew what it was about.
I questioned Russ and he had no choice but to tell me.
There.
In the van.
On our way out of the city.
In front of our kids.

He didn't go into all of the sordid details with the kids there, he didn't need to. They were heartbroken and I was mad.
No.
Mad does not do it justice.
Fuming.

I wanted to kick him out of the van right there. Make him walk home from Washington.
But, I didn't.
I drove us all home from Washington in silence.
Complete silence.
No radio. No talking.
Just the occasional sound of one of the kids crying and toddlers sleeping (it was after 2 am).

We arrived home and the kids went to bed.
None of them said goodnight to Russ. They didn't even look at him.

He and I sat up for HOURS talking.
Crying.
Just looking at each other.
I made him give me his phone.
I read his texts. I was able to see the exchange between them, was able to get a feeling for their "relationship" from the things they said back and forth to each other.
To say I was sick to my stomach is an understatement.

I went to bed that night feeling certain our marriage was over. Not because he wanted to leave, but because he had betrayed me and my kids so deeply.
I laid awake in bed for HOURS and finally, I got out of bed , knelt beside it and prayed.
I asked God to guide me. Asked Him to give me clarity.

And, when I woke, I had it.
I love Russ.
Always have and always will.
For better or worse.
He loves me.
Always has and always will.
For better or worse.

And, that is worth too much to throw away.
I know it.
He knows it.

We know it's a long road ahead of us, but one we are on together this time, both going in the same direction, toward the same goal.
I have given Russ things he must do in order for our marriage to work and without question, he is doing them.
We know we can't do this alone and have so many family members and friends standing with us as we take this leap of faith.

We watched Fireproof last night together and will be doing The Love Dare. We start counseling this week and I am finding support through al-anon. (I don't think we ever really thought that alcohol was an issue for Russ, but now, we know it is and since the day he told me the truth, he has not had a drink. And neither have I.)

I've been keeping away from my computer most days, except to check emails and write when I need it. But I read the comments and the emails and the tweets and it lifts me.
It's amazing how much support both Russ and I have found through prayers from so many people, many of whom have never even met us.

God has always been HUGE in my life and for a while He was in Russ' as well. However, since January, when he first cheated, Russ has lost his way. Lost his faith.
He misses it.
He knows what it is to feel His love and he desperately is trying to forgive himself so that he can allow God's love in.
Russ just needs to remember that God is a forgiving God.
Please join me in prayer to remind him and please, continue to pray for my strength.
There are forces of evil that are trying to bring my spirit down, trying to put it in my face that my husband betrayed me and while I know my Lord protects & guides me, I am only human and my strength and resolve might waiver.
Please pray that my foundation remains firm.

I thought today would be harder than it was....

Today was Will's first day of school. It was the first time I have ever had to send him anywhere that he wasn't surrounded by people he loves and over the past month or so, I have been prepping myself for a nervous breakdown as the bus pulls away with my baby inside.
Then....last week happened and , quite frankly, I was 100% certain that I was going to lose my mind.

However, his first day of school went really well... from start to finish.
He happily went outside with daddy when his "bus" arrived.
He climbed right in, without hesitation.
He allowed his daddy to put him in his carseat and buckle him in. (It was only then that he gave me that look... you know, the one that asks "what? aren't you coming too?")
But, he didn't cry and the van pulled away without him letting out any sort of objection.

Of course, I cried.
Not horribly.
Not like I expected I would.
But I cried because it means my baby is growing up and I can't always be the person there taking care of him :(
And knowing now, 100% that he will always be my very last baby, I am having a hard letting go.

He came home after having a good first day at school.
He arrived home with big smiling eyes just for mommy....


As much as this is difficult for me, I know it is best for Will right now and if it means that every day he arrives home with big smiles and warm cuddles for me, I think I can handle it ;)

Fireproofing My Marriage

A few years ago, Russ and I watched the movie Fireproof. At the time, we were watching it because we are fans of Christian family films and we loved Facing the Giants, another film by Sherwood Pictures.
I remember sitting and watching it and having the movie hit home, not because our marriage was in any sort of trouble, but because it made me see that maybe we weren't cherishing each other like we really should've been doing.

Now, because of the challenges facing our marriage, the things that threaten to tear us apart at the seams, it seems it's the perfect time for Russ and I to sit down and watch Fireproof again.
Only this time, it will hit home that much harder.
This time, we will see ourselves, perhaps as we were 7 months ago before Russ crossed that line...
This time, we probably won't sit together, holding hands, with my head leaned on his shoulder.
This time, we will both probably cry again. But not because we realize we have taken our love for granted, but instead for how easily we could've saved it if not for the giant wall that formed between us.

This time, we won't be able to turn to each other and exchange hugs and kiss one another.
Instead, this time, we will open our journals and start.
This time, we will not just watch the movie, but we will Fireproof our marriage.
This time, we will not only make an effort to love one another, but to change ourselves and remember what a gift we are to each other.
We will appreciate one another.
In strength & weakness.
Richer or poorer.
For better or worse.
Eternally.


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Thank You, My Friends

I have always been an over-eater when it comes to sadness, depression or boredom. So, it has taken me completely off guard that I have zero desire to eat. I am not hungry and when I do eat, I have been getting sick to my stomach. I have actually gotten so bad that I have been leaving notes around the kitchen to remind myself to eat, because it just doesn't cross my mind.

I am sure it is depression.
How can it not be?
I feel like I sit and do nothing all day long.
And, when I used to sit and do "nothing" in the evenings, after the kids went to bed, I used to at least snack, read blogs, talk on the phone, watch the news.... something.
Now... none of that.

My girlfriends have been calling to check up on me daily. (I suspect they have some sort of schedule because there has not been a day yet where someone hasn't called me during the day and the evening). My mom, brothers and sisters are also all calling me all the time. Just to talk. And listen. And cry with me. And just tell me they love me.

And the emails, the facebook messages, direct messages on twitter and the comments on here have been amazing.
It helps. All of it. In a way I can not express.

I know I am depressed, but I know eventually I won't be and it's because of all of it.
I feel so surrounded by love even at my darkest moments.
I thank God so often for making sure I don't feel alone, even when I do (if that makes sense).

Just know, your words, your love and the prayers especially help more than you will ever know.
They are lifting me up and holding me firm when I feel like I can't stand any longer.

I have no doubts that God is hard at work in my life.

This first week is coming to an end.
The first week of my new life.
The life I never expected, certainly never wanted, but the one I have been given.
I know I could choose a different path if I wanted. I know it could be "easier", if there really is such a thing.
But, I am 100% certain this is the path God wants me to take.
I can feel it in my heart.
Know it with my soul.
He is in control and I am following blindly.
And full of hope.

Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~ John 20:29

One Second at a Time

My 7 oldest kids started school this week on Monday.

left to right: Alex, Keith, Stephanie, Teddy, David (back), Henry & Gabi

It was something they all were looking forward to because of their desire to make friends and have more social lives.
And, in light of everything happening and us finding out about Russ cheating just 2 days prior, it has been providing a much needed distraction for all of them.

However, for me, it has been extremely difficult being home alone all day long. Over the past year, I have found my company in my children. They have been my everything: 24/7 for 365 days a year.
During that year, when I felt like Russ was slipping away from me, it was my kids who kept me happy. It was for them that I lived. I breathed.

Now my days are spent with Emma & Will.
From 7am to 3:30pm, it's just the 3 of us.
(Russ is in NJ tying up loose ends and being watched constantly, as sadly, I no longer trust him.)
At first I didn't think they would have any idea that something has changed in our home, but Will clearly made it apparent that he does.
All he does now, all day long, is cry. Nothing makes him happy. Not me holding him. Not his favorite toys. Not his favorite snacks. Nothing.
It would appear my little boy with sensory issues is also very clearly emotionally sensitive as well :(

And while Will has been whining, Emma has been clinging, which honestly wouldn't seem much different than normal, except that she does not want me out of her sight.
Not ever.
She says she is afraid and that she just wants to "lay my head on your lap, mommy."

And I am barely hanging on.
I pray constantly and have made appointments for myself and for Russ & I to begin counseling with our pastor next week. I know we need it to start to heal.

The older kids come home each day and the chaos starts.
It's depressing.
They are struggling to keep themselves afloat and a new school, with a long day and lots of work isn't helping. They all seem to love it when they are there, but I guess the minute they walk through our door, reality hits.
Everyone is angry. All the time.

I hate seeing my kids hurting so badly and knowing there isn't much I can do to help the hurt but reassure them that I love them always and that this was not their fault.
And that it wasn't my fault either.
That their father was selfish and he hurt us.
And that it's ok to be mad.
Ok to be crying.
Ok to just scream if that's what they need.
And make sure they remember to pray and lean on God when they don't think they can make it another minute.
That He WILL see us through.
To have faith.
And remember that every single second is one second closer to healing.

Where Am I?

I get these bursts of energy and decide to do something like run the vacuum and will be doing well and suddenly I just stop and find myself standing in the middle of the room. Sometimes I am not even sure how long I have been standing there.
Or I might be standing over a sink full of dishes or sitting on the couch folding laundry and not be sure how long I have been sitting holding the same shirt.
Or, like last night, after tucking Will into his crib, I zipped his tent closed and stood with my head leaning against it. I don't know how long.
I just intended on resting my head a minute and instead...

I'm lost.

I wake up and haven't slept. Did I?
I can't get dressed, but I have to.
I forget to eat.
I don't want to eat.

I forgot to feed Emma and Will lunch yesterday. They were crying and I couldn't figure out why because I was... somewhere. Anywhere. Not here.
How have I become this person who forgets to feed her babies?

What kind of mom have I become?

It's not fair.
This isn't me.
I am so angry with Russ for doing this to me. So angry that he has made me this person.
I want me back.

Will I ever get me back?

This empty feeling is impalpable. Yet, at the same time so dense, so very think, I can't escape it. I can feel it everywhere around me, in everything I do.
This weight. This huge heavy weight holding me down. Exhausting me.

I know I just need to force myself to get up and get out of the house.
Do something, anything so I feel "normal".
But, right now, I'm just praying I can just find myself first. Find my footing again.
Because, this sucks.

To the "person" Carrying My Husband's Baby

Dear sweet stupid Tammy,

When I first heard from Russ that he cheated on me and that you were pregnant, I wanted to crawl into a hole. I can not explain in words the hurt, anger, betrayal I felt, especially when I found out IN FRONT of my children.

The more I talked to Russ, the angrier I have become.

When he told me that you googled me & have been reading my blog, I wanted to hide. Wanted to stop writing, close myself off so you wouldn't know.... I wanted to keep my feelings, my life, my pain from you.

However, sweet Tammy, I can't. This is my place to rant. To get out my feelings. My place to find my resolve.

And today, Tammy, I have found it.

I assume you thought when I heard you were pregnant that I was going to kick Russ out and he'd come running to you. To happily raise your baby together?
Dear sweet stupid Tammy.
Do you not realize what you're up against?

Perhaps it might surprise you to find that I married Russ for Good or Bad.
In front of God.

Perhaps it might also surprise you to find that 21 years is a long time to invest in a relationship without at least trying to salvage it.

Now, I realize you KNEW he was married with 9 kids when you started your "relationship" and I realize it might not mean much to you. But, when it comes down to it, my kids are part of what forms my decisions and I will always do what is best for them and me.

I also realize that you don't really understand what it means to be a decent parent, what with using your 13 year old daughter's facebook to send me threatening emails (which I have saved). But, believe it or not, some people think of their children first and their sexual appetite second.

Now, don't get me wrong, Tammy. I know Russ was a HUGE part of this. I know he used you. I know he paid you money for services rendered (not officially, but you know what I mean, don't you Tammy???) He's clearly not innocent and clearly should have come clean with me LONG ago.

But, the difference here Tammy is that once Russ did "come clean" he has been truthful with me and has told me EVERYTHING. (to the point of nausea)

And, Tammy, quite frankly, I have seen your texts to him and the fact that you are threatening to ruin MY LIFE if he doesn't come to you....
Seriously Tammy?
Really???

Having 2 other children with 2 different fathers in your life... I would've thought you had learned by now. I mean, you're old and haggard looking. I can see you've been through a lot. Surely, you know that threatening the wife won't work.
Right?

Oh.
And sweet, sweet Tammy, having your daughter call my cell phone and telling me that what you and my husband were doing was "none of my business"....
That is a BIG No No.

Seriously?

Tammy, you're almost 40.
Surely you know that it's a woman's business to know who is sleeping with her husband.
Surely you know it's my right to tell you not to call my phone again or I will get a restraining order against you.

Tammy, silly dear. You picked the wrong family.

As much as Russ has lost his way, as much as he has lost his faith, as much as he has betrayed our family....
The bottom line is: He's My Husband. Not Yours.

You may have rocked the foundation of our home, but you have not destroyed it.

And sweet, sweet Tammy, I thank you.
Because, in the end, I know I will come out so much stronger than I ever thought possible.



PS For my readers, if you weren't able to read between the lines, I will not be making my blog private. Clearly, I am consumed with grief right now and I am desperately trying to give my kids some normalcy and comfort (they are crushed).
I never thought I would ever have this be my life. I never thought my husband would ever betray me like this. I never thought he would look me in the eyes and lie and I certainly never thought he'd be having another child without me.
This is going to take every ounce of my being to survive. And every bit of faith I can find.
I have cried and prayed more than I ever thought possible and I have turned everything over to God.
It's in His hands and the next step is for us to take that Leap of faith and then....
Just remember to breathe.

*Please know, your words & comfort mean the world to me. I am not sure how much I will be around to read or comment. My time and my focus HAS to be on my family first.
It's just one more thing my husband and this woman have managed to ruin for me....

I am making my blog private

If you are a long time reader and someone I can trust, I will send you an invitation.
Just leave me a comment and I will send you an invite.
If you are a reader that doesn't comment, I will post on my Facebook site the things I feel ok with sharing there.
I hope you understand.
This change will be made by the end of next week, so please let me know if you'd like to still follow our journey in private.